Love Letter To a Cohort
by Jonah Svihus
I remember how scary it was. Before I knew all of you.
Alone all week. Left to my own devices. Idling.
On drizzly afternoons I’d walk the cemetery path,
Fraternizing with tombstone names.
Occupying space apart from my partner didn’t feel right.
Like a flightless bird flapping its wings to float for a magical second,
Before falling back down,
Embarrassed that it thought it could fly.
I remember that first night at Agate.
When it felt like everything I said didn’t sit right.
And the whiskey tasted more bitter,
Filling me with anxiety.
I’d wait all week for a Northbound train
To carry me to Portland, to the arms of my love.
To live in a dream that ignored this program,
Suspended in blankets and jojos and dog hair.
Where’s the resilience in that?
To escape — abdicating being a part of this?
I guess I felt like I didn’t fit,
That this might have been a mistake.
Then you all brought me out.
Encouraged me to say more.
Someone asked me “What’s your story.”
I said, “I’m so lonely,” with a slaphappy smile.
It was a long walk back from those nights out.
Through muddy paths and alleyways.
Past the tombstones and chiseled names,
But I was not alone.
Whether you all knew it or not,
I felt like I was becoming more than myself.
That I was building a community,
Something worth being present for.
The transformation began.
The pain and agonizing we shared, like blood brothers,
Brought me into a collective of beautiful dreamers.
And I started to think differently.
What if these people do like me?
And they might want to hang out again?
What if they want to be friends?
And not just acquaintances?
We continued this way for a time.
Commiserating and collaborating.
Shouting down theories and public relations,
While pitching SMCIs and taglines.
We acknowledged our isolation without each other.
We started hugging because touch is important.
We took meals and walks together.
Talked about the future and the world together.
Everything under the sun,
Shone bright when we looked together.
I told my love about all of you,
The relief in her eyes made me cry.
We all have love to give.
Stories to share.
Space to make,
To honor each of us.
